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Online Dating Tips for Men: Your First Message

photo by UrbaneWomanMag

How do you write your first message to a woman?

This question has been coming up in my inbox a lot lately so I thought you’d appreciate it if I covered it here.

Over the last few months me and the guys I’m coaching have been experimenting with different ways to write a first message so it gets a response

We’ve tried everything from being cocky to being really nice. We’ve experimented with long emails and compared that to short messages.

We especially focused on the psychology that drives getting a woman to reply to your first message.

So with style, length and psychology in mind, here are our latest…

Online dating tips for men First Message

First of all length didn’t matter all that much. A long thoughtful message got just as many replies as a 4 or 5 sentence message that got her interest up.

So, you might as well keep your first message fairly short. First of all, you don’t waste time if she doesn’t email you back.

Second, some women say that if they get a long message from a guy they’ve never met that it makes it look like he’s trying too hard.

And from an attraction perspective, that’s true. For example you don’t want to invest TOO MUCH more than the woman you’re trying to meet.

You want to give as much as she does, a little more in some cases, and a little less in other cases… but your investment should match hers.

Third, the more you write, the more chance there is that you’ll say something to turn her off.

See, one of the biggest problems we have when writing that first email is that women on online dating sites are almost always LOOKING FOR A REASON TO DELETE you.

They get so many messages that they simply don’t have time to respond to all of them, so if there is the tiniest little thing that bothers them, our message gets deleted and we never hear from them.

And if you write a long first message, there’s simply more places that you can say some little thing that doesn’t click with here and therefore get your note deleted.

Do you have an example of a first message to send a girl on an online dating site?

Style In Your Messages Is Really Important!

Without knowing you personally, but knowing the guys who come to this site and contact me, my guess is that you’re a good person. I don’t get many jerks here on my site. So…

My best advice is to be strong, direct and confident while you maintain your natural politeness and respect.

There’s no need to be cocky or disrespectful… but that’s not usually the problem guys have with the style of their messages.

Usually they are too nice and try too hard to make a connection or find common ground.

What you want to do is let the woman know you’re interested in learning more about her.

Pick something from her pictures or profile that honestly speak to you and comment on that, telling her that you’d love to know more about it.

And hey…

That brings up another point: read the girl’s profile before you send her a message. Don’t just skim it, actually read it. you’ll get a better feel for who she is and the style she uses. If you can pull it off, you want to copy her style.

Is she a bit sarcastic? If so, you can be too.

Does she seem shy and introspective? If so, hold back a little bit and don’t be quite as bold as you might normally be.

Do you get the feeling that she’s outgoing and extroverted? Yeah? Ok, then emulate that in your message to her.


The psychology of your first message

The psychology behind your message is huge and what will really make the difference between your inbox being full of replies or if it’s empty day after day.

Besides letting her know that you’re interested in learning more about her, you also want to get her to realize that you’re a good guy, that you understand her a little bit, and that you want her to reply to your message.

Each of these three things is actually pretty easy to do, and let’s go through them quick so you can write a better online dating first message.

Letting her know that you’re a nice guy will most likely come naturally to you. The key is NOT TO OVERDO IT. You don’t want to make it sound like you’re trying to sell her on the idea that you’re this great guy.

You want to tell her a little about your day, your interests or what you’re up to and then LET HER come to the conclusion that you’re a nice person.

For example at the end of your message you could mention that you’d like to write more but you have to get to the hospital where you do volunteer work.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit overboard, but you get the idea.

Letting her know you understand her a little can be a bit tricky, but all you’re going to do is pick out something from her profile and tell her what that tells you about her.

photo by Tobyotter

For example if she is a nurse, you can say something like, “I noticed that you’re a nurse. My guess is that you’re a caring person who’s not afraid to go after what they want.”

See, in my opinion, those two things are true of nurses. They are usually warm people who must have worked hard both in school and on the job.

Finally, you want to ask her to do something after she reads your first message. This one is easy.

All you do is tell her to write you back. you can say that straight out, or you can write something like “Looking forward to hearing back from you!”

There’s a lot more we’ve learned and I’ll be writing more blog posts on this as well as putting together a system that has all my best online dating tips for men as they relate to first messages and messages in general.

In the meantime, I’d welcome your ideas here. is there a way you’ve found works well to get women to reply to your first messages? If so, I’d appreciate it if you put them in the comments below or send me an email!

Talk to you soon, JT